cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/36766269

I know lemmy is titled to the left, so most probable answer is going to be no, managers are our enemy, but hear me out.

I always thought like this: I’m there to work and earn money, not to make friends, not to fake a friendship with any manager. If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I’m holding up or what my plans for the future are. What may look like a friendship is all fake.

There is, however, a manager where I work at that everybody agrees she is friendly and goes the extra mile to help employees. When I say everybody I mean that literally, none of the coworkers I asked said anything remotely bad about this person. At my company there are other managers everybody agrees are narcissistic morons and everyone hates them.

I had an argument with this manager everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn’t listening to her because she triggered me.

I feel bad about it and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’d like to have a private conversation with her to apologize and explain why she triggered me. She also does typical things any manager does that I find very unfair that I want to explain so she maybe stops it.

Is being honest and having such a conversation a stupid idea?

  • cdzero@lemmy.ml
    10·
    3 months ago

    A lot of people need to be right all the time, even if it is to their own detriment. Therefore they would see apologising as losing.

    Social cohesion is quite important and I believe something that is becoming a little undervalued. Especially in a workplace. While of course if is important to stick to your principles, it’s not that important to be right in a lot of social situations.

    Relationships aren’t linear progression. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes you move backwards. Sometimes you can move forward by moving backwards. An apology rarely hurts in the grand scheme of things.

    However I would think about what you’re saying. And what I’m about to say carries the lack of context from not knowing any more than what you posted.

    You weren’t listening and it was mostly your fault (your words). She didn’t trigger you. And telling her she triggered you will probably not go well. You reacted to her in a way you are now regretting. You need to take responsibility for that and that is likely what you are apologising for.

    The conversation about things being fair, save it for later. Put a lot more thought into it.

      • cdzero@lemmy.ml
        1·
        3 months ago

        It’s not about being better. It’s different.

        You’ve come here asking for advice. Myself and others have given you some. It’s up to you to take what you find useful and disregard what you don’t. None of us know the full situation.

        Let us know what you end up doing and how it goes though, I’m interested and I’m sure at least a few others would be as well.

  • mystic-macaroni@lemmy.ml
    6·
    3 months ago

    Before reading. If you have to ask, the answer is yes

    Edit: My answer is still yes. Based on your title I thought you didn’t work for the manager (a manager vs. my manager)

    You respect them, you feel as though you disrespected them, and you want to maintain their respect. Apologize. Simple as that.

    Where you need to be careful is the transactional nature of the apology. I.e. Maybe if you apologize then you can tell her what she did to piss you off. That’s a bad play in any relationship.

    You need to think about what that thing is and how it effects the way you do your job. Nuts and bolts. If it’s something that improves the quality and efficiency of your work. Bring it up in a meeting. Otherwise, you aren’t the boss. Suck it up and deal with it.

    P.S. We aren’t anti management. We are anti abuse. Based on your description, thid isn’t an abusive relationship.

      • mystic-macaroni@lemmy.ml
        2·
        3 months ago

        I’m not saying you can’t. I’m saying an apology shouldn’t be a quid pro quo. It might be that a conversation leads to why you were upset in the first place, but if you are sincere it shouldn’t be part of your consideration.

  • chargen@lemmy.ca
    4·
    3 months ago

    You’re entering into these relationships with a lot of negativity. Please consider the person holding the position and approach the potential relationship with a positive, constructive mindset. You’d be surprised what can happen.

    Regarding the apology, go for it, but I think it should include a promise to bring your better self forward if a difference of opinion comes up so it doesn’t devolve into an argument.

    Regarding criticism of things the manager does: hard no. That’s not your place and IMO no good can come of it. Just put it right out of your mind.

  • FBJimmy@lemmus.orgEnglish
    2·
    3 months ago

    Caveat: I don’t know you or your manager, so your experience may be very different.

    But as someone who has ended up in management in three previous roles (not currently) your post brought two thoughts to my mind:

    1. For me, I’d far rather people in my team came to me and were open about things. Don’t bottle it up and hope that they’ll somehow guess - they won’t. They’re not psychic and they’ve probably got 101 other things to worry about. Think of it like this: Could you do your job if nobody was ever honest with you about you previous days performance.

    2. If you’re tempted to default to thinking of line manager’s as the enemy, consider that in most cases they are just trying to do their best while shouldering 10x the shit from their manager than is making it through to you.

    Not saying there aren’t bad and/or narcissistic managers about, but I suspect most of the time they only appear that way due to the screws in their back from above.