Based on who’s morals? The ones who are shooting women and children as they try to get help. The ones killing aid workers and doctors who are trying to help? Those people’s morals?

There’s no way he topped an ostrich…

If anything, the ostrich fucked him…

And it was ashamed afterward…

Nope, I work in a facility that’s 24 hour staffed. Holidays don’t really apply to us. This was actually the first year I’ve even had Christmas off in like 5 years.

“Alexa, all lights off.”

Now, talk to me about going up the stairs from the basement alone…

Everyone knows that’s how the evil clown, ghost, or whatever basement demon living in your house gets you…

Grabs your ankles ands pulls you right back down…

Shut up, brain! When we were 9, you didn’t even know what cringe was!

And, to this day, I still crave that super thin wedge of pizza once in a while.

God, I can’t make it through the whole thing. Listening to him blathering on and on causes me actual physical discomfort.

I sincerely don’t get how anyone listens to his rambling tripe and is like, “This guy totally gets it!”

I got one yesterday that was like, “Identify all the pictures with busses.” and I swear to god, they were all just static. I just clicked continue and it was like, “No… There are definitely busses here.”

Aw, come on…

Only in ornithology can you say,

“Look at that pair of great tits!”

“That’s a huge pecker!”

“That’s a nice looking cock!”

And “Look at all the boobies!”

And literally nobody can get mad…

To the dudes who always added one single onion ring to my fries every time I went to Burger King or the late night group at Wendy’s that will occasionally destroy my work dinner with like 4-5 extra patties, you’re the real heroes.