Parents you can tell anything to and be heard without judgement, or a list of all your failings in life.
Parents you’re not afraid to tell that you tried for something, just in case you fail and it will be used against you for the rest of your life?
Just to clarify, I love my parents and know they love me back, but 10 minutes is literally the limit of co-existence
My parents are absolutely fantastic, they will always listen, do anything possible to help me in any way, and only ever think of what’s best for their kids.
They are calm, considerate, reasonable, smart, loving, and a great team.
I will never meet anybody else as fantastic human beings as them.
I can’t imagine having parents that are awful people, that must be such a terrible burden and impediment to healthy growth for a child :-(
I have two great parents
My best friend has one, with the other one being an violent alcoholic
My SO has a brain damaged (literally) father and a hyper conspirational spiritual mother.
The more I learn about everyone else’s parents the more thankful I get
My parents aare the same as your SOs. Except, my dad is super religious too. But I suspect he doesn’t even actually believe. It’s mostly an excuse to talk shit about people he don’t like.
The SO’s parents, are they financially in bad times chronically?
Unclear, both have held normal jobs with normal pay but there never seemed to be money over for their children. Now the brain damaged one is living of pensions and the other one is spending all their money on online gurus and shamans.
This thread is kind of depressing to read. What a privilege it is to have supportive parents.
Makes me realize that I shouldn’t put off having a quality phone call with my parents so much. There will always be more work, but there won’t always be more quality time with them.
Mine are self-absorbed narcissists, so no. However what I really wanted to share is this book I read recently that was eye-opening to say the least (someone on Lemmy recommended it in another post):
“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” by Lindsay Gibson.
Good luck out there.
I’ll check it out, cheers
My dad was like that, he was my safe person and would always celebrate my success, had wise advice and truly cared for my wellbeing. When I became a parent, many things from the way he taught me were passed on to my own kid. Then he died. That was ten years ago and I miss him everyday.
My mom was abusive all through me and my sibling’s upbringing, she stills is, mind you but I am very low contact/ on the brink of no contact now. As a mother myself, I have done the exact opposite of what she did to me so my kid is treated with respect, compassion, genuinecuriosity about their interests, acceptance and grace. They will not know what not being loved or unwanted feels like.
Not anymore. I dunno exactly when it happened but after I left for uni I no longer see eye to eye with my folks.
They raised me and I feel they did a good job: respect others, be kind, help people, everyone is equal. All the good stuff.
Nowadays though my dad has gone hard into conspiracy theories proper tinfoil hat stuff, moon landings fake, vaccines cause autism and have microchips, fluorinated water causes something, COVID was a Chinese plot or fake or just flu (despite half his kids working in healthcare and telling him first hand experiences). He’s gone proper racist Britain for the British bullshit, hates immigrants and anyone not white. He’s dragging my mum into it as well but she’s not exactly innocent in her views either. I’m glad they live at the other end of the country now so I can choose how much I see them, holidays used to involve staying with my parents but now we camp kinda close and just have a meal out together a couple times.
I struggled a lot with coming to terms with the huge change, our relationship used to be fantastic especially with my mum, could talk for hours about anything. Now we have a very very narrow range of safe topics and I have to say no I’m not talking about that with you quite regularly.
I even debated cutting contact because of some of the horrible stuff my dad was posting online, fortunately he’s stopped that and now just consumes the hate instead of tagging me in it. I decided that I wanted to keep my parents in my life but set some firm boundaries and just don’t engage with any of the delusions.
I blame facebook for a lot of that. I see it as a symptom of that website, rather than a symptom of my parents true underlying beliefs.
Sure, everyone has some racist/conspiracy bullshit that they shamefully believe to some degree, but facebook heavily normalised it and echoed it to make them believe that it was okay to believe these things.
Oh definitely it’s terrifying how good the algorithm is at sucking people in and dumping them in an echo chamber where only those awful views are normalised.
For almost all of my life I’d have said no. But after over a year of family therapy I think I now have a mother who sometimes listens. She needs to follow it up with an emotional guilt trip, but she does actually sometimes listen first. Baby steps I guess, but it’s more progress than I expected. And my father is… well… still my father. No chance there.
Good that she tries! Even if only a little
Eventually she noticed all of her children were pulling away. She had to go through a world full of pain to accept that her behavior might have something to do with it. I am still surprised that she even got to a point of accepting that. Whatever happens with your parents I hope you can find closure and happiness in your own way.
My dad softened a lot lately, seeing his parents go made him realize how important the relationship with his own children is.
On my mum’s side, I’m afraid she will always be tone deaf and self absorbed, but I learned not to resent her for thatI’m afraid she will always be tone deaf and self absorbed, but I learned not to resent her for that
difficult though
I dont know that learning to not hold resentment for the obligate resentable is a good thing
The alternative is to be angry your whole life and that, in my opinion, is even worse.
Are you No contact with them? Have they at least improved if not?
I used to be in no speaking terms with my mom for a long time, but as I said I didn’t want to be angry anymore, it’s tiresome and ruins your life.
She didn’t improve, but our relationship did because I learned to set boundaries without some sort of “violence escalation” from both sides. It took time and patience, but I think it’s one of the fundamental steps to become a real adult and not just a grown up childNice to hear you made it work better for yourself tho. Boundaries make a huge difference.
Mine are excellent listeners. They just can’t respond anymore though.
I had a good relationship with my dad, but he passed when I was 21. I’ve now been alive longer without a father than with one. He had major faults: racist, homophobic, and started going Baptist when he got cancer. If he had survived it, I think that downfall would have progressed and he’d be a fucking Maggot by now. I don’t think he’d get along well with his pansexual son, bisexual DIL and transgender grandkids. So, and this is not a good feeling, I’m a little appreciative of the fact the relationship ended when it was still good. But I’m haunted by what it would have been like if he survived. Like I said, we had a really good relationship. He taught me all kinds of outdoorsman skills, taught me how to keep family close, and how to honor my word. I don’t know if I could have handled if he survived and continued along that path.
My mom always lived for herself and was abusive. I still flinch when someone touches my face because she hit us so much. I cut ties on my wedding day almost 10 years ago and am much happier and healthier.
They both taught me how not to parent and as long as I keep in mind how their words and actions made me feel, I know how to be a good dad to my kids. I’m not going to say they did me a favor there, but I do rely on that lesson to guide me.
Oh wow, that’s quite a double-edge in feelings there.
He taught me all kinds of outdoorsman skills, taught me how to keep family close, and how to honor my word. I don’t know if I could have handled if he survived and continued along that path.
He sounds, overall, like a good man you could model a few aspects of your life after. Which is rare for abusive parents - it kind of sounds like they were trying to do the best with what they knew, but were unable to cope with the stress, and had no socially acceptable outlet beyond abusing their kids.
Yeah, exactly. Keep the good, discard the bad. Fortunately, only my mom was abusive; dad was just a bigot and turned religious.
No. Where are my r/estrangedadultchild buddies at?
My parents place too much emphasis on what other people think for me to be transparent with them. Everyone but my parents know I’m gay. I seriously think they would shatter if they knew the real me.
My parents are dead.
I’m fortunate enough to have really great parents. Like exceptionally great. I get legitimately really sad for others when I hear that they don’t have awesome parents. I can’t imagine going a day without talking to my mom. She and I talk every morning to make sure we both get up and get ready for the day. My stepfather and I don’t talk as often as my mom and I do, but he has been my only true father figure.
My biological father was an absolute piece of shit for most of my life, but he got his shit together and I see him as a good friend now. He and I talk almost every day, mostly about pets or work.
I have one bio parent I can do that with, and I know I’m privileged to have that. To be able to confide, ask questions, seek advice, break down, or even just play cards together provides a certain level of mental safety I didn’t experience otherwise.
I only hope I can provide even a fraction of that to others; everybody deserves safe people.
