I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.

“Who ?”

-Eminem

Still my favorite comeback, I use it fairly often

“Wow, you’re the worst part of both your parents”

“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”

One for the modern era.

“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”

or

“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”

“Do you need a sign to wear?”

If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.

Also a bonus:

• don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!

(They had to say mister)

I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.

“The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”

The best part? My friend’s dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.

None have suffered the ultimate retort, “I know you are but what am I—infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.

Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.

“Calm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”

I called JD Vance an Eyeliner Gerbil and everybody clapped

You spunk trumpet.

“No, u”

I had a buddy who teed himself up for your mom jokes constantly. I swung and hit pretty much every time.

One evening he had enough and blew up. “God, you’re such a dick! You must be the biggest dick in the fucking world!”

“Well, I fit in your mom just fine, so I don’t see what the problem is.”