Please take good care of my baby:

THE TALE OF OBAMNA KAPOWSKY: A FANTASY BELIEVED BY TOO MANY.

Obamna Kapowsky was a rich person who grew up coddled and privileged. He was black, but police officers would never arrest him because he was too kind to them. Upon him was a massive groomed beard and man-bun, which didn’t look obnoxious in the slightest. He lived in a mansion decorated with the busts of people who had accomplished massive lasting social change without risking the wealth of their oppressors. He was a thorough socialite: he frequently met with financially impoverished leaders of the World Economic Forum, Israelis that would never harm a Palestinian child, Maoist U.S. senators, anti-feminist trans women, fire-breathing dragons, and nice South Africans.

One day, through the sheer power of idealism, the owning-class Kapowsky decided that he would give concessions to his workers. Then, he decided to become a SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT and he would also FIGHT FASCISM! In the ensuing years, Kapowsky relentlessly fought for freedom, liberty, order, morality, civilization, America’s soul, and erotica! He would also fight against terrorism, chaos, authoritarianism, puritanism, snobbery, the un-American, and pornography!

But of course, in order to overcome the rich people who were stealing from America, he had to be kind and not attack his political enemies. He needed mental willpower instead of strength of arms so he could create a big psychic shield out of it like Invisible Woman, and smash thugs with it.

So, he gathered with a group of Liberals who hated Trump, because he needed to work with them. And with a group of Conservatives who hated Trump, because he needed to work with them. And with a group of Social-Democrats who hated Trump, because he needed to work with them. And with a group of Proud Boys who hated Trump, because he needed to work with them. And with a group of Serbian war criminals who hated Trump, because he needed to work with them.

So he took Donald Trump and flung him to Mars. However, since he didn’t want to make any lasting change, he stopped Trump before he hit the surface, and sent him back to his original position in the White House. The force behind America’s downfall died 354 feet in the air because he had age-related breathing problems.

It seems that America and justice go together like chicken and waffles!

However, he was still met with millions of ICE agents. They were impressively buff, skilled in combat, sexy, and could shoot better than Vasily Zatsev. Seeing how frighteningly competent they were, he had to pull out all the stops, and held up a MASSIVE sign saying “Don’t Shoot!” with VERY cuddly Corporate Memphis graphics.

The ICE agents were convinced by this and put down their weapons. The hour was saved. He freed everyone from the border camps except for those filthy illegals. He then made sure that the concentration camps were staffed by humane guards, just like those under Roosevelt with the Japanese. He tried hard to get the staff to treat the women better, but it seemed hopeless.

Then, one turnabout ICE agent said, “aren’t you a feminist, Mr. Kapowsky?”! Of course! Obamna Kapowsky then turned to see his female partner, Empress Theresa, floating with her magical Jesus-HAL powers or whatever. “You’re such a strong woman, Theresa.” said Kapowsky. “Thanks for saving the United States and stopping those terrorists!” replied Theresa vivaciously.

Then he went up to the 14-year old girl, and like countless U.S. politicians and businessmen before him, gave her a deep sniff on the neck. “Do I smell nice?” asked the oblivious Theresa. “Yes. Now make an island in the sea to put the illegal immigrants and their families. I just have some business to take care of!” replied OK.

He took off toward Russia, where he found Vladimir Putin. He soared through countless miles of land treated well by Yeltsin and Gorbachev, before he found… POO-TIN! Get it? “You will stop this war on Ukraine at once!” demanded Obamna. “No!” said the mysteriously appointed… PUT-IN! Get it? “Fine, but I will have something before I leave…” retorted OK. “What is it you want?” “A true statement!” What could arguably be called a 21st-century Tsar, a glib dealer with Western Capitalist businessmen, and the chosen successor to a de-Sovietized nation, suddenly spoke the truth. “I am a Communist–a Marxist-Leninist, to be exact.” replied… POONTANG! Get it? He’s RED, like menstrual blood! If only the Yeltsin knew before appointing him!

Well, Ol’ Bamna had his work done for him. He flew back across the Russian plains, completely overrun with avowed Communists.

He the flew over North Korea and understood why her people wished to be free. The DPRK was run by massive mega-corporations cajoling poor young men and women into becoming K-Pop stars, overrun with vehement misogyny, a massive foreign military presence, attempted fascist coups against a government that wasn’t even set up by indigenous Koreans, and a dwindling population. How glad was he to not be a North Korean!

After all his work, he sat to rest his arms, which by the way had no hands, if you were paying attention. He then had to use the bathroom, so he flew off to a special asteroid discovered by a conspiracy-theorist from rural Idaho, and pissed liquid Plutonium that instantly decayed into Uranium. He then gave his thanks to the Democratic party, who restored democracy through their efforts.